What a day. Valentine’s has always been tricky for me since I didn’t date in high school and didn’t have a boyfriend until I graduated. It is tradition for my parents to give me a heart shaped chocolate box and a card, which didn’t come this year. Instead, I got a long stemmed rose. Very sweet gesture.
I talked to Chicago through the night last night and it couldn’t have been more awkward. I told him at the end of one of our conversations that I didn’t really want to text anymore. Of course, that means he’s going to Snapchat me with a picture of his face. I missed him and his goofiness. At the same time, I was wondering where his girlfriend was. When I asked he said she was in the other room sleeping and that she had an early day of work today. I told him that I didn’t think that was fair to her, and he said she wouldn’t care. We got into a heated discussion on why we broke up, again, then how he was heartbroken when I left, again, how she’s so in love with him, again.
I don’t quite understand why he wants to keep in contact. I told him that I only contacted him because I had hoped he was single and we could meet and see if there was something still there – for both of us. He’s in love, or so he says, and she’s wild about him. She stayed with him during his court problems, met and love his family, met and likes his friends, loves his cat, (I’m a dog person), and she is everything I couldn’t be for him. He threw that in my face and I told him that I explained to him when we broke up, that I don’t deal with people like that. I have family members who are alcoholics and a couple drug addicts, and I have cut them completely out of my life. That is not in my wheel house.
I don’t know what he thinks but I do know what I feel. I feel like I reached out, hoping for a good chance that we may be able to rekindle what good I remember of us. Then the ugly came out in him and I remember what drove us apart – the lashing out. My heart was crumbling faster and faster as he dug into my feelings as if they weren’t there. That is what he was good at – digging. He said he never does it on purpose, that it just happens. That is where we are different – I love with 100% and the gloves don’t come off often. The only time I ever dig, is when I’ve been dug at for a long time and it comes out. Even when we were breaking up, I kept his feelings and heart in mind the best I could.
I told him that he needed to stay faithful to her, stop chatting with me, putting her first. He said that he agreed and he loves her so much. So we ended the conversation around 11 o’clock last night. I woke up this morning to a shirtless picture of him on my Snapchat. What. The. Hell. I had to do a double take because he’s no Brad Pitt – but I think he had been drinking and decided a picture to me would be a good idea. I don’t understand why and in what universe any of this happens.
I can’t seem to catch a break with men. I have been on dating sites for over a year (I deactivated them while we were dating) and there are nothing but smokers, atheists, and just downright nasty people out there that want to message me. I’m not judging, although it does sound like it, but I am looking for a halfway normal, Catholic, man, who doesn’t smoke, that I find cute. Again, I’m not looking for a 10/10, because I’m not and I don’t expect the man I’m with to be, either. I just want someone who I can find attractive that wants the same things out of life as I do. I really hope that he comes along because this single life I’m leading is getting tiring… and lonely.