All a part of the plan

So I have been thinking a lot about my health.  Earlier this year I got some labs done at my primary care, and they didn’t come back so great.  I had bad calcium levels and my heart health wasn’t great.  So I started to take a fish oil for my heart and got referred to an endocrinologist for my calcium levels.  When I met with the endocrinologist, he said that I had hyperparathyroidism – say what?  I’m young, I’ve never really had health issues, why now?  So over the last several weeks I’ve had blood drawn, nuclear scans on my thyroid, more blood drawn, urine collections (which was gross by the way, as you can imagine), and lastly an ultrasound.

What has come of all these tests?  My calcium is still out of whack and no nodules on my thyroid, thank the good Lord above!  I was told that after all these tests come back that I may need surgery.  Tomorrow is my follow up to find out if surgery is needed, and if it is, it will be soon… in the next few weeks.

The thought of someone cutting into my neck and shave part of that gland off is scary.  I know that I will have some good people praying for me and I hope God will protect me and guide the doctors when/if it happens.  I just want the results and for all of this to be resolved.  School starts August 14th and all of this is extra heavy on my mind and heart.  I know prayer helps and I am trying to focus on the positive.

If you’re reading and believe in the power of prayer, please send one up for this girl!

Love and peace.

Hello Summer

Its been a while since I’ve made an update on my life, so here we go!  Quick overview is that I took Math150 at school and it was tough!  Thankfully, my uncle helped me get through it, although, I don’t know what grade I made because I have a hold on my account.  I have to keep working through my employer’s third party to get my school paid for, which may take another week or two to get payment.  I hope it hurries because I want to be able to go in the fall!

Next, my mom broke her foot at the beginning of last month and I’ve been taking care of her.  That has been a massive battle for me due to not having any down time at all from school and work.  I struggle if I can’t unwind and I was about at the end of my rope.  She and Dad went to Nashville this morning for an overnight trip for a concert at the Opry, which means I get almost 2 whole days to unwind and get my mind straight.  They need some time for just them and I really need some isolation.

Then, I have my best friend’s baby sprinkle… Which has turned into a full on shower.  She has a 2 year old son and is pregnant with a baby girl and this was supposed to be a small event.  However, it has turned into a full shower with games, prizes, big decor, and lots of money to spend.  My other best friend and I are splitting everything but it still is a strain on my already tight budget.  I know this will be her last baby but it is hard to meet the expectations of moms-to-be, in-laws, and keeping your sanity all at the same time.  I just hope we can give her the shower that she wants and deserves.

Throughout the events of this summer, I wonder when my personal dating life will take off and if my life is meant to be shared with someone else.  I have deleted all but one of my dating site profiles and focused on one.  The current one is a paid site to try and find someone who is serious about finding someone to spend their life with and not wasting time on the wrong one.  It seems to be that the ones that are interested in me are atheist or agnostic, or 5-7 years younger than me or my parents’ age of 50 plus.  I state in the “Bio” that I am looking for a Catholic man with a family in his future but not right now.  I just wonder if God has a man planned for me or if I am wandering through my early 30’s aimlessly.

I thought when I got married to my ex-husband that I was going to be with him until death.  I truly thought that he was the one God sent to me and that he would love me until we were old and gray.  When he decided to have an affair, my world was crushed and so was my trust in men.  I have done a lot of healing since March 2015 and would like to date again.  Because of what I went through during the divorce, (and after), I know I am guarded to a degree to not get hurt again.  I have only dated one man since my divorce and he was good man, just not the one for me.  I thought dating would be easier than what it is, online dating would be simple, you just pick one, right?  I don’t know how to date, honestly, and online isn’t easy!

Again, I somehow am attracting Godless men and ones that are much too young or old.  I wish there was a magic lock I could find the key to, and start dating a good Catholic man.  I’m not looking for someone “perfect” or a Ken doll – just someone who wants to be with me because they want to – not because they need me.  I’m not someone’s project, second choice, or one to play with.  I want commitment in a non-commitment world.  I know I have been very fortunate with my parents being married for 30+ years, no affairs or abuse.  The have been together because of hard work, their faith, and commitment to each other, no matter how hard it has been.  The have come close to throwing in the towel, but because of their love, belief in their wedding vows, and support from our families, they have stuck it out.

So if this reaches anyone out there in vast web – pray that someone like me can find the purpose to this season in life and God will guide me to who I’m meant to be with.  Because I’m just waiting for God to send him to me – I think I’m ready.

Love and peace.

Its been a while

Its been quite some time since I’ve updated on my life.  I have officially finished my spring semester and I finished with 3 A’s and a C in my math class.  I was so worried but I had my uncle’s help and we got it done!  Now this summer I am onto Math 150 and then Anatomy & Physiology and Physics in the fall.  3.5 GPA for my first semester back isn’t too shabby.

Over the last month or so, I have been trying to be more health conscious.  I will be 31 in the fall and right now, I’m not anywhere close to were I want to be physically.  I went to the doc last week and my weight is up and so are some of my labs.  I was told this morning that I have a possible thyroid issue that require more labs, as well as my triglycerides, which also require some labs.  I am not happy with the numbers but I can only blame myself.  I am an emotional eater and this semester had me stressed beyond reason.

I have signed up for kickboxing and inquired about a 21 Day Fix accountability group.  My friend Courtney has been losing weight, alongside her boyfriend Justin.  They are friends that I have had for about 10 years now, but they have lived in Georgia the last few so it has made our friendship a little harder to keep in touch.  She is a 21DF coach and she has agreed to let me join her accountability group and help me with my weight loss journey.  I have done it before but quit after my 21 days, even though, I had great results.  I have ballooned back up to 220 lbs, but at my heaviest I was 231 when I was married.  After my divorce, I got down to about 195 and was so happy.  It has slowly crept back up and I have watched the numbers grow on my scale.  The lab results were the final kick in the pants that I’ve needed.

 

I have heart disease that runs in my family, mostly with my mom’s side of the family.  My sweet Papaw is the #1 victim that I have watched suffer with heart issues most of my life.  His first scare was in ’95 with a quadruple bypass, then later in 2000, then 2005, 2011, and just last month.  When I got the call that he was in the hospital, it was the usual questions; “Is he ok?,” “When will he get home?,” and the best one “Does he need surgery and if he does, can his heart take it?”  These occurrences are the norm for my family, but why should they be?  It needs to end with Papaw’s heart and not carry onto me or my brothers.   My mother has high blood pressure but we know its because of her weight.  We are all big people which means we need to end the chain now.  After the call this morning, I can’t allow myself to be a bad example for my niece and nephews of an unhealthy lifestyle.  It stops with us.

So.  New changes to come – physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I will eat better.  I will move more.  I will cope without emotional eating.  I  have until my birthday to get it together – which is in November.  This summer will be my best one yet, and I can’t wait to see what I can do with a little bit of self love.

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And remember – you have to keep a sense of humor!  What good is life without laughter?

God bless!

 

March

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything new and its been a long couple weeks.  Valentine’s came and went, just like time.  I can’t believe that March is here and the semester is almost halfway over.  I have an A, 2 B’s, and I don’t know what I have in my math class.  I’m almost positive that I’m failing.

School is becoming harder and harder with each passing week, although, I don’t mind it with 3 of my 4 classes.  Intro to Computers has been very informative on how to properly use Word and simple computer tasks.  My professor is a good man and seems to truly enjoy his line of work for school and for the major health insurance company he works for.  This class seems to somewhat stay the same with difficulty, but I have a paper to write about how social media has changed with the technology that grows with each month.

Medical Terminology is getting harder – which it should.  It is one that I will use the rest of my life so learning it is vital and challenging.  I messed up on last week’s assignment so tomorrow will be spent working on it some more, so I can get my A.

I absolutely love my Medical Ethics class – very challenging and its a positive challenge.  The cases we read about really challenge what I believe is right, how I view my religion, and how I view certain groups of people.  It has humbled me more than I thought, but also got me questioning where the lines of faith and medicine collide.  We are in a unit about death and dying and its sometimes heartbreaking.  I sometimes wonder if my heart can take cases that are cruel and unusual.  I have to keep reminding myself that I will be taking the X-Rays and scans and won’t be too involved with their personal stories.

My math class is going to get me good.  My teacher isn’t willing to set aside time to help me so I’m going to have to break down and call my uncle.  He is a high school math teacher and is quite full of himself.  His personality is hard to get along with but desperate times call for desperate measures.  I’m in college pre-algebra so I’m sure he’ll give me some crap over it, but you have to start somewhere.  I hope that I can make it through this class and I don’t fail – I don’t have an extra $600 laying around to pay for it either!

I know I only write this for myself because I don’t publish these to my social media accounts, but it is therapeutic when I get around to it.  I have so many hopes and dreams depending on my education.  I want to move to the South and get away from here for a while.  I want to live on my own and see where life takes me.  I know I will probably end back up right here but I want to look back on life and say that I lived.  I don’t want to look back and think “I should’ve done that when I was able.”

Valentine’s Day 2017

What a day.  Valentine’s has always been tricky for me since I didn’t date in high school and didn’t have a boyfriend until I graduated.  It is tradition for my parents to give me a heart shaped chocolate box and a card, which didn’t come this year.  Instead, I got a long stemmed rose.  Very sweet gesture.

I talked to Chicago through the night last night and it couldn’t have been more awkward.  I told him at the end of one of our conversations that I didn’t really want to text anymore.  Of course, that means he’s going to Snapchat me with a picture of his face.  I missed him and his goofiness.  At the same time, I was wondering where his girlfriend was.  When I asked he said she was in the other room sleeping and that she had an early day of work today.  I told him that I didn’t think that was fair to her, and he said she wouldn’t care.  We got into a heated discussion on why we broke up, again, then how he was heartbroken when I left, again, how she’s so in love with him, again.

I don’t quite understand why he wants to keep in contact.  I told him that I only contacted him because I had hoped he was single and we could meet and see if there was something still there – for both of us.  He’s in love, or so he says, and she’s wild about him.  She stayed with him during his court problems, met and love his family, met and likes his friends, loves his cat, (I’m a dog person), and she is everything I couldn’t be for him.  He threw that in my face and I told him that I explained to him when we broke up, that I don’t deal with people like that.  I have family members who are alcoholics and a couple drug addicts, and I have cut them completely out of my life.  That is not in my wheel house.

I don’t know what he thinks but I do know what I feel.  I feel like I reached out, hoping for a good chance that we may be able to rekindle what good I remember of us.  Then the ugly came out in him and I remember what drove us apart – the lashing out.  My heart was crumbling faster and faster as he dug into my feelings as if they weren’t there.  That is what he was good at – digging.  He said he never does it on purpose, that it just happens.  That is where we are different – I love with 100% and the gloves don’t come off often.  The only time I ever dig, is when I’ve been dug at for a long time and it comes out.  Even when we were breaking up, I kept his feelings and heart in mind the best I could.

I told him that he needed to stay faithful to her, stop chatting with me, putting her first.  He said that he agreed and he loves her so much.  So we ended the conversation around 11 o’clock last night.  I woke up this morning to a shirtless picture of him on my Snapchat.  What. The. Hell.  I had to do a double take because he’s no Brad Pitt – but I think he had been drinking and decided a picture to me would be a good idea.  I don’t understand why and in what universe any of this happens.

I can’t seem to catch a break with men.  I have been on dating sites for over a year (I deactivated them while we were dating) and there are nothing but smokers, atheists, and just downright nasty people out there that want to message me.  I’m not judging, although it does sound like it, but I am looking for a halfway normal, Catholic, man, who doesn’t smoke, that I find cute.  Again, I’m not looking for a 10/10, because I’m not and I don’t expect the man I’m with to be, either.  I just want someone who I can find attractive that wants the same things out of life as I do.  I really hope that he comes along because this single life I’m leading is getting tiring… and lonely.

Heartache… again

Oh, heartache, how you’ve crept up on me once again.  I’ve talked about ex-husband but today I am going to talk about the first man I dated post-divorce.  We will name him Chicago, for his sake, and mine.

One March afternoon in 2016, I was perusing my online dating profiles when I stumbled across a request in my eHarmony account.  If you are unaware about this particular site I will explain briefly how the messaging system works.  First, you have a list of surface level questions you send to the user you want to message, then they answer and send their own list back to you.  Second, another round of slightly deeper questions, and this continues for about four exchanges, then you can finally email like normal.

Chicago was a redheaded fellow with a sweet disposition and wanted to meet.  We had emailed for about a week before I decided if I wanted to.  We met during March Madness and his Jayhawks were playing in Louisville so he was very excited that night at dinner.  We decided on a Mexican restaurant in downtown near the Yum! Center where his favorite team was playing.  He greeted his fellow Jayhawk fans with a sweet smile and I thought “I really like this guy.”  We ate dinner and it was like I was talking to an old friend; we laughed, we are both Catholic, he was very complimentary, and had a very jolly vibe about him.  After dinner, he walked me to my car and we only shared a hug.  Later that night when we talked he said he had wished he could’ve kissed me but didn’t know how this “southern girl” was going to take that advance.  I wished he had kissed me, too.

After that first date we spent every other day together.  He lived across the river and I live in Indiana, with my parents.  I would drive over after work and fix dinner, we’d go for a nightly walk, and then watch some tv and snuggle.  We were comfortable with each other.  He’s a pharmacist and at the time I was working an administrative position for a physical therapy company.  He liked to spoil me, whether it was taking me for ice cream, shopping, or taking me to the movies.  It started to wear on me because I have always been the kind to keep a running tally of what I owe people.  It was a red flag that I didn’t pay attention to at the time.

His family lived up in Chicago and he would visit about once a month.  It took a few months before I could go up and see him due to my summer schedule is always crammed with activities with family and friends.  He met my parents and they really like him – he was a great guy and had his life together, made good money, had a good head on his shoulders.  My Dad bragged to his friends at church that I’d finally found a good one, and that he was of course, lucky to have me.  That pressure was felt on my shoulders immediately.  After my divorce, I decided not to introduce anyone that I was dating unless I saw a future with them – and I thought I had a future with Chicago.

March, April, May and June flew right by me and then we finally had an open weekend to go to Chicago.  I was unbelievably nervous on many counts – traveling for the first time together, staying in a hotel together, going into the city, the violence and turbulence in the city, and meeting his family.  I had been taking an anti-depressant since my divorce and I had taken an extra for the trip up which knocked me out halfway up I-65.  I woke up to him cussing the drivers in traffic with us which lead to an argument.  I started it and I am grown enough to admit it – but it set the tone for the rest of the trip.

We finally made it to the area where the hotel was and where his parents lived, and we drove straight to his parents.  We got there before his parents were home so I got the grand tour of his huge house.  It is easily twice the size of any house I’ve ever lived in – far from the “modest” house he had described to me.  I was so uncomfortable.  The his mom, brother, and sister came home and they rushed to greet him.  I clammed up and was very quiet for the first hour or so.  I felt almost as if I didn’t exist, which is very foreign to me.

That night we left late and went back to the hotel.  The next day we went back to his parents and then I met his grandparents and then swam in the pool before he and I went to buy his SUV then go into the city.  They were the nicest people and were so very gracious to me.  We decided on going to church together the next day and we left on a great note.  We left there and got his car from the dealership and then made our way to the city – which was a beautiful day.  We went to the Navy Pier, rode the farriswheel, took pictures, and I took my very first cab ride.  He laughed at me the whole afternoon because I was so amazed with the city and we hadn’t even had dinner yet.

We went to an amazing pizza place, Pequod’s, and waited for our table at a bar next door called The Drinkingbird.  I drank wine and he drank bourbon and we had a great time, being goofy, kissing, holding hands, and everything that fresh couples do.  We finally got called to our table at Pequod’s and I was so tired and a bit intoxicated. The pizza was amazing and it was a great atmosphere – but if you go, be prepared to wait!  Its one of the best pizza places in Chicago and the wait will remind you of that!  Dinner ended and we took an Uber back to the Pier and left for the hotel.  I was feeling so sick – so I naturally am hard to deal with.  We went to bed that night not speaking.

The next morning, we went to mass with his family then brunch and left to come back down home.  I only met his dad for about 15 minutes because he was out of town for his car racing, and when we finally met, he wasn’t pleasant to Chicago.  He expects perfection and no one can accomplish that.  We left on an awkward note and had a deep conversation on the way home about how the weekend went.  He cut me deep a few times and I did, too.  We apologized and moved on; I decided pretending to sleep would help.

The next couple weeks were rocky because I started to rethink what I was doing and where our relationship was headed.  He had disclosed to me that he was facing a legal issue that had occurred 2 years prior and it was weighing on my mind.  It was serious enough he had to keep going to court for and I wasn’t prepared at the time to deal with such a heavy burden.  We also were scheduled to go to Florida a few weeks later, and the tickets were booked and the condo was ours.  I decided to break it off before the trip because I couldn’t handle what the future may hold for him, and potentially, us.  I had blindsided him and he was devastated.  I felt like the lowest of the low, but I knew in my heart its what I had to do.  It was ugly and we both hurt in different ways – I blocked him and didn’t give him closure, it was cruel of me.

Fast forward to this past Friday – when I contacted him.  Yes, I contacted him.  He knew it was me – didn’t have to explain who I was at all.  We talked through the evening and night, catching up and talking about hanging out.  I texted him the next morning wishing him a good day, just like I did when we were dating.  We continued to text through the day, and he let me know when he was home.  We discussed what we were doing that evening – me doing home work and him unwinding after a long day at work.  Then I asked if he had a girlfriend – and the conversation came to a screeching halt.  I didn’t hear from him until the next afternoon while I was at work.  He said that he did and he fell asleep the night before and had had a busy Sunday at the pharmacy.  We didn’t talk much until today – Monday.

Worst. Day. Ever.  He let me know they had been together for 6 months, she loves him, loves his family, and they are happy.  I’m happy? No, I’m not.  I’m crushed. Heartbroken. Jealous. Angry.  I wished so badly that he was single and we could try again.  I just wanted another shot.  I’ve been alone since him.  I was alone before him.  I was alone in the last months of my marriage.  I’ve been on the Alone Island for almost another year and its so unbelievably isolated.  I can be surrounded by people day in and out – but I’m not there mentally.  I have checked out and I hate it.  I’ve become a shell of who I am and I hate it.

Its become a slow spiral and its starting to get out of control.  The hurt and rejection I feel is very real.  Its the sting in your eyes, the lump in your throat, the pit of your stomach, the desire to do anything diminishes. I wish for once, that I get to feel loved by a man again.  The love you feel when someone wants you, wishes to be with you, the butterflies when you think of them, the sweet, comforting words that can make the spinning stop.  I don’t know what God has in store for me, but I wish it would come soon.  I know its in His time, but this time I don’t know if it will come.  I’m so unbelievably crushed and worn down, I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but its fading and I’m praying for something to make it bright again.

January is gone

Today starts a brand new month, February.  I like to think each day we get to turn a new page in a small chapter of our lives.  Some go by quickly, while others seem to drag on.  I want to explain how every day is a blessing and how I got to rewrite my story, thanks to my divorce.

After my divorce was final in March of 2015, there were many emotions going through my sensitive brain and my worn out body.  There was such relief that it was over, grief because it was over, anxiety because it was over.  At the time I was so overwhelmed, I went to the doctor’s office and got put on an anti-depressant.  It seemed like I failed at being in control of my body and mind and part of that was because of my ex’s stance on mental issues.  He was a former member of the military and thought that mental illnesses weren’t real.  He thought that I just needed to “get up and do something” instead of trying to find out what he was doing all the time.  It was deflection in its finest, and still to some degree, the things he used to say to me still affect me from time to time.

The relief of having to wonder about if he wanted me back, if we were going to try and make it work, if there was a chance he was going to change his mind started to slowly subside.  I am a forgiver and a lover by nature but once I know the door is closed – it’s sealed shut.  Forever.  Being without him was so hard, even after 4 months of being away from him, the finality of it finally sunk in.  That is when I started to make decisions – what do I want to do with my life?  Where do I want to be in a year or 5?  Who the heck am I?

I thought about what it was like being with him and being without him.  When we were married and things were good – it was amazing.  I know in the beginning and up until the last 7 months we were together, he was a great husband.  We did everything together – cooked, cleaned, worked inside and outside the house, camped, fished, hunted – everything.  We were always each other’s sidekick and biggest supporter.  The bad times were few and far between and I can say that we only really had a handful of really bad disagreements.  More often than not, it was when we were drinking and his demons came out and played, or it was my deep down insecurities I carried with me my entire life.  I mostly worried that our future children would be confused with having a Catholic mother and a Methodist father.  I didn’t want turmoil and apparently I was the only one worried about that.  His issues had to do with deployments and being in combat zones in all of them, losing men, missing family, and the emotional heartache that comes with it.

Being without him was hard, but it got better a tiny bit each day.  I went from crying every single day, to a month or so later to only crying every other day.  Then it was crying maybe a couple times a week then finally I stopped crying.  I don’t really remember when I finally quit crying consistently but my parents mentioned it and there was a sense of pride.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments to this day, but it was an amazing obstacle that I was able to overcome.  I had lost some weight during all this time and I started to notice it in myself.  I was looking good and feeling good – that was something I hadn’t felt in a long time.  I signed up for the color run that summer and a veterans run that fall.  I worked out, lifted weights, and ran – I was feeling great!

Those first few months after I was divorced seemed to drag even though I had so much going on and so much love around me.  Every day was a struggle and I know that the medication plus all the working out was doing wonders.  Every month I would think – I made it.  I don’t need him anymore.  He used to be a great person for me, but he’s not God’s person for me.  I don’t know why I chose to ignore my family’s opinion and even the little voice in the back of my head saying “slow down” – I don’t know.  I am as stubborn as a mule and hard-headed as they come; I’ve always had to learn things the hard way.  I now realize that I’m not always right (tough pill to swallow) and that my framily and relatives are warning me, I now stop and listen.  I want to make sure that I’m doing the right thing and that I’m not clouded by lust and infatuation.

I loved so hard and so deep it scares me sometimes to think that I may never love like that again.  I truly felt he was it, he was my person, he was mine and I was his.  I know that God has great plans for me, I know he has my person waiting, somewhere.  I don’t know who he is, what he looks like, or where I’m going to find him.  But I do know that whoever he is – I’m sure I’ll be ready for him because God always has a plan.

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