New year, new goals

“New year, new me” is the phrase that I have heard so many times before.  The new year is looked at as a fresh start to a new life, new beginnings, and a new you.  I have decided this year will be my year.  There are goals that I am determined to achieve and stop at nothing to reach them.

  • Getting a B in A&P II
  • Losing at least 5 pounds per month for the rest of this year
  • Go on a vacation in the fall
  • Get into my program at school
  • Get out of debt, ie credit card and student loan

I want to at least make a B in A&P because this past semester I made a C.  I can work harder, focus more, and I believe more in myself this semester than I do last.  I have learned that time management is important and necessary to achieve the grades I need and want.  I will make that happen.

Losing at least 5 pounds a month.  I got on the scale this morning and I weigh 221 lbs.  That should be how much a 6’1 version of me should weigh at the top of the weight chart.  I graduated high school 13 years ago at 149 lbs and I want to make that a reality.  I am 31 years old, single, and really interested in someone and I know that shedding some pounds will make my confidence more secure.  I love my laugh, personality, my caring and tender heart, and I am loyal to a fault – my weight is my obstacle to making me love myself 110%.  In just a years time, I will be able to be just a little away from my goal of 150 lbs again.

Going on a vacation.  I haven’t been on a vacation since 2016 and I went with my friend Lisa to Savannah, Georgia.  It was a good trip but not what I had envisioned.  I had wanted a girls trip of bars and shopping – but her mom went so we had more of a relaxed and slow vacation.  This year I hope to go to the beach, spend my days in the sun with a beverage and sand in my shorts.  I want to take my friend Brittany and her daughter to the beach and have a girls getaway with relaxation, putt putt, and dinners at touristy locales.

Getting into my program at school.  This one is going to be harder than all the rest.  I am going to have to spend many hours observing, going to conferences, making sure I get letters of recommendation, and busting butt to make sure I score well.  I already have a list of facilities to observe and people in mind to write a letter of recommendation.

Getting out of debt. I have to pay down my credit card first, then work on my student loan, and finally, my car.  I am going to use my handy, dandy knowledge of the Dave Ramsey program, snowball my payments, and hopefully be out of credit card and school loans by the end of the year.  Next year will be dedicated to my car and once finished, I will be throwing every extra cent into savings for a down payment into a car and also my moving fund/furniture fund.

I know that is a lot to accomplish in a year – but I believe in myself and I know that I will make the decisions necessary to achieve them.  I am kind.  I am smart.  I am important.


November 2017

I don’t know where to start so I’ll start with how I feel at this very moment.  Disappointed.  There is a man at work that I think is a pretty cool guy and really like his personality.  I haven’t met him face to face but I speak with him every Sunday when I do the report, and I absolutely love talking to him.  We are facebook friends, he requested me, and has also requested to follow me on instagram.  I accepted FB but do not have work friends on instagram.  My profile is private for a reason, and if I want to bitch about work, I can there or on here.

Anyways, when I call him on Sundays he recognizes my voice, and seems to be flirty with me.  My birthday was on the 3rd and I went to Flying Axes and threw axes with Lisa, my best friend, and he made a special phone call to joke with me on how I didn’t invite him and he would’ve like to have gone.  So I said next time I go, I’ll let you know and he responded with “you better – I expect it.”  To me, that sounded like he was interested.  He likes my fb posts, pictures, etc, and vice versa.  So one Sunday he made a comment about me not really understanding part of the report on that particular day – I defended myself with “I am a smart person but this report brings the dumb out in me” and he responded with “are you sure about that?”  It really got to me and I confirmed my smarts with my class load I’m taking this semester and then hung up shortly with him.  I know he wasn’t being hateful, just playing, but it still bothered me.

I don’t know what it is about him but I really like his voice, his banter, and he’s not too bad looking – from his pictures.  So I told my other best friend Brittany about him and we decided that I should invite him out to just to see if I still felt that way after seeing him face to face.  So I asked him to go throw axes this weekend with me and B and he said no.  He’s working a double Friday then on his house on Saturday.  Shot down.  Feelings are hurt.  Cue the self loathing, feeling stupid, hoping things won’t be awkward come Sunday, and just feeling like a fool.  I am second guessing myself that I didn’t read the signals right, that his sarcasm and smart assed banter is just who he is and it wasn’t flirting.  I don’t know.  This is why I hate being single.  It just takes me back to when I got divorced – rejection. Rejection. Rejection.  That is how I feel. Rejected. Unwanted. Stupid.  Embarrassed.  Less than.

This shows me exactly who I am right now and how I need to really work on myself.  I just wished for once that I was wanted, too.  I need to use this as motivation to get back to the gym, to lose the weight, to start working on my mental health, work on just feeling better about myself.


I don’t want to be alone anymore.  I know my self worth isn’t in having a boyfriend, but it would be nice to have someone to talk to and be with.  I miss the companionship of being in a relationship, the connection with someone else, the snuggles, the hand holding, the physical contact, the comfort.  I want to come home to someone again and feel wanted, not an inconvenience. I hate feeling like this.  It makes my heart hurt and I hate that I haven’t gotten over the neglect I felt during and after the divorce.


I want to feel wanted again.

New Semester, New Chapter

The fall semester is 3 weeks in and I’m overwhelmed.  I am taking Anatomy and Physiology I and Physics.  Can I say – what was I thinking????  These two classes are required as pre-reqs so I can apply to the program in the spring for my program.

My A&P teacher is a first time, full time teacher and was a stay at home mom for about 5 years.  She uses her “mommy voice” when she teaches/lectures and has given us a workload for the equivalent of 2 classes.  Right now I average about 15-20 hours per week, outside of class, doing her required work.  Just. Her. Work.  I am trying to stay positive but I’m falling behind in my physics class which is going to kill me later in the semester.  I worked 10 hours on my chapter outline and it is only worth 2 points.  2 frickin’ points.  I’m beyond irritated.

My physics teacher is interesting.  He seems like a devoted family man and he enjoys running.  He is from Venezuela and sounds like Gru from Dispicable Me.  I love to hear his accent but he is hard to understand when explaining formulas.  He wants us to learn and understand the concepts of physics and he truly enjoys science.  I’m relieved that he is understanding and wants us to learn, but nervous that I’m going to fail because I literally just bought the book Wednesday and have about 6 more homework problems and a test to take by Sunday by midnight.  I’m just praying.

I’m only taking the 2 classes but they each have a lab, which is like taking 4 total classes because they are so intense.  I am happy that I’m able to be in the position to be in school, but the sting of still being with my parents has really been shaking up my brain.  I want to be on my own, but don’t want to get a second job.  I want to stay with my parents to get debt free and get my savings account to a healthy status.  I think I am struggling with wanting my cake and eating it, too.  I think it also has to do with me still being single.

I didn’t think that being single for this long was going to bother me as bad as it has lately.  I thought that I would have a boyfriend by now; its been 2 and a half years since my divorce was final.  Its coming up on 3 years of us being separated – November 20th.  What would’ve been my 6th anniversary was on the 27th – I think that is what has started to make my heart hurt again.  I just wish I knew what I was supposed to do to stop wondering what would’ve been, what we would be going through, if we would’ve been able to heal from the affair, if kids would’ve been in the picture by now.  I know life isn’t fair, and I have known that from the time I was a kid, but how is it he has been through 2 relationships and now has a woman and her kids filling his life.  How is it that someone like me, who stays faithful, still can’t find anyone worth having or spending time with.  I know my window to have kids is getting smaller, even smaller with my infertility issues, and I am afraid that it won’t happen for me.  I try to keep my chin up but its so much easier said than done.

I just hope and pray that God will send me someone who will be my comfort, best friend, sounding board, and someone to complement my life.  I just wish I could let it go but I just don’t know how.  Pray for me – pray for healing, pray for companionship, pray for my poor, stressed out heart for this semester.

Love and God bless.

All a part of the plan

So I have been thinking a lot about my health.  Earlier this year I got some labs done at my primary care, and they didn’t come back so great.  I had bad calcium levels and my heart health wasn’t great.  So I started to take a fish oil for my heart and got referred to an endocrinologist for my calcium levels.  When I met with the endocrinologist, he said that I had hyperparathyroidism – say what?  I’m young, I’ve never really had health issues, why now?  So over the last several weeks I’ve had blood drawn, nuclear scans on my thyroid, more blood drawn, urine collections (which was gross by the way, as you can imagine), and lastly an ultrasound.

What has come of all these tests?  My calcium is still out of whack and no nodules on my thyroid, thank the good Lord above!  I was told that after all these tests come back that I may need surgery.  Tomorrow is my follow up to find out if surgery is needed, and if it is, it will be soon… in the next few weeks.

The thought of someone cutting into my neck and shave part of that gland off is scary.  I know that I will have some good people praying for me and I hope God will protect me and guide the doctors when/if it happens.  I just want the results and for all of this to be resolved.  School starts August 14th and all of this is extra heavy on my mind and heart.  I know prayer helps and I am trying to focus on the positive.

If you’re reading and believe in the power of prayer, please send one up for this girl!

Love and peace.

Hello Summer

Its been a while since I’ve made an update on my life, so here we go!  Quick overview is that I took Math150 at school and it was tough!  Thankfully, my uncle helped me get through it, although, I don’t know what grade I made because I have a hold on my account.  I have to keep working through my employer’s third party to get my school paid for, which may take another week or two to get payment.  I hope it hurries because I want to be able to go in the fall!

Next, my mom broke her foot at the beginning of last month and I’ve been taking care of her.  That has been a massive battle for me due to not having any down time at all from school and work.  I struggle if I can’t unwind and I was about at the end of my rope.  She and Dad went to Nashville this morning for an overnight trip for a concert at the Opry, which means I get almost 2 whole days to unwind and get my mind straight.  They need some time for just them and I really need some isolation.

Then, I have my best friend’s baby sprinkle… Which has turned into a full on shower.  She has a 2 year old son and is pregnant with a baby girl and this was supposed to be a small event.  However, it has turned into a full shower with games, prizes, big decor, and lots of money to spend.  My other best friend and I are splitting everything but it still is a strain on my already tight budget.  I know this will be her last baby but it is hard to meet the expectations of moms-to-be, in-laws, and keeping your sanity all at the same time.  I just hope we can give her the shower that she wants and deserves.

Throughout the events of this summer, I wonder when my personal dating life will take off and if my life is meant to be shared with someone else.  I have deleted all but one of my dating site profiles and focused on one.  The current one is a paid site to try and find someone who is serious about finding someone to spend their life with and not wasting time on the wrong one.  It seems to be that the ones that are interested in me are atheist or agnostic, or 5-7 years younger than me or my parents’ age of 50 plus.  I state in the “Bio” that I am looking for a Catholic man with a family in his future but not right now.  I just wonder if God has a man planned for me or if I am wandering through my early 30’s aimlessly.

I thought when I got married to my ex-husband that I was going to be with him until death.  I truly thought that he was the one God sent to me and that he would love me until we were old and gray.  When he decided to have an affair, my world was crushed and so was my trust in men.  I have done a lot of healing since March 2015 and would like to date again.  Because of what I went through during the divorce, (and after), I know I am guarded to a degree to not get hurt again.  I have only dated one man since my divorce and he was good man, just not the one for me.  I thought dating would be easier than what it is, online dating would be simple, you just pick one, right?  I don’t know how to date, honestly, and online isn’t easy!

Again, I somehow am attracting Godless men and ones that are much too young or old.  I wish there was a magic lock I could find the key to, and start dating a good Catholic man.  I’m not looking for someone “perfect” or a Ken doll – just someone who wants to be with me because they want to – not because they need me.  I’m not someone’s project, second choice, or one to play with.  I want commitment in a non-commitment world.  I know I have been very fortunate with my parents being married for 30+ years, no affairs or abuse.  The have been together because of hard work, their faith, and commitment to each other, no matter how hard it has been.  The have come close to throwing in the towel, but because of their love, belief in their wedding vows, and support from our families, they have stuck it out.

So if this reaches anyone out there in vast web – pray that someone like me can find the purpose to this season in life and God will guide me to who I’m meant to be with.  Because I’m just waiting for God to send him to me – I think I’m ready.

Love and peace.

Its been a while

Its been quite some time since I’ve updated on my life.  I have officially finished my spring semester and I finished with 3 A’s and a C in my math class.  I was so worried but I had my uncle’s help and we got it done!  Now this summer I am onto Math 150 and then Anatomy & Physiology and Physics in the fall.  3.5 GPA for my first semester back isn’t too shabby.

Over the last month or so, I have been trying to be more health conscious.  I will be 31 in the fall and right now, I’m not anywhere close to were I want to be physically.  I went to the doc last week and my weight is up and so are some of my labs.  I was told this morning that I have a possible thyroid issue that require more labs, as well as my triglycerides, which also require some labs.  I am not happy with the numbers but I can only blame myself.  I am an emotional eater and this semester had me stressed beyond reason.

I have signed up for kickboxing and inquired about a 21 Day Fix accountability group.  My friend Courtney has been losing weight, alongside her boyfriend Justin.  They are friends that I have had for about 10 years now, but they have lived in Georgia the last few so it has made our friendship a little harder to keep in touch.  She is a 21DF coach and she has agreed to let me join her accountability group and help me with my weight loss journey.  I have done it before but quit after my 21 days, even though, I had great results.  I have ballooned back up to 220 lbs, but at my heaviest I was 231 when I was married.  After my divorce, I got down to about 195 and was so happy.  It has slowly crept back up and I have watched the numbers grow on my scale.  The lab results were the final kick in the pants that I’ve needed.


I have heart disease that runs in my family, mostly with my mom’s side of the family.  My sweet Papaw is the #1 victim that I have watched suffer with heart issues most of my life.  His first scare was in ’95 with a quadruple bypass, then later in 2000, then 2005, 2011, and just last month.  When I got the call that he was in the hospital, it was the usual questions; “Is he ok?,” “When will he get home?,” and the best one “Does he need surgery and if he does, can his heart take it?”  These occurrences are the norm for my family, but why should they be?  It needs to end with Papaw’s heart and not carry onto me or my brothers.   My mother has high blood pressure but we know its because of her weight.  We are all big people which means we need to end the chain now.  After the call this morning, I can’t allow myself to be a bad example for my niece and nephews of an unhealthy lifestyle.  It stops with us.

So.  New changes to come – physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I will eat better.  I will move more.  I will cope without emotional eating.  I  have until my birthday to get it together – which is in November.  This summer will be my best one yet, and I can’t wait to see what I can do with a little bit of self love.


And remember – you have to keep a sense of humor!  What good is life without laughter?

God bless!



It’s been a while since I’ve written anything new and its been a long couple weeks.  Valentine’s came and went, just like time.  I can’t believe that March is here and the semester is almost halfway over.  I have an A, 2 B’s, and I don’t know what I have in my math class.  I’m almost positive that I’m failing.

School is becoming harder and harder with each passing week, although, I don’t mind it with 3 of my 4 classes.  Intro to Computers has been very informative on how to properly use Word and simple computer tasks.  My professor is a good man and seems to truly enjoy his line of work for school and for the major health insurance company he works for.  This class seems to somewhat stay the same with difficulty, but I have a paper to write about how social media has changed with the technology that grows with each month.

Medical Terminology is getting harder – which it should.  It is one that I will use the rest of my life so learning it is vital and challenging.  I messed up on last week’s assignment so tomorrow will be spent working on it some more, so I can get my A.

I absolutely love my Medical Ethics class – very challenging and its a positive challenge.  The cases we read about really challenge what I believe is right, how I view my religion, and how I view certain groups of people.  It has humbled me more than I thought, but also got me questioning where the lines of faith and medicine collide.  We are in a unit about death and dying and its sometimes heartbreaking.  I sometimes wonder if my heart can take cases that are cruel and unusual.  I have to keep reminding myself that I will be taking the X-Rays and scans and won’t be too involved with their personal stories.

My math class is going to get me good.  My teacher isn’t willing to set aside time to help me so I’m going to have to break down and call my uncle.  He is a high school math teacher and is quite full of himself.  His personality is hard to get along with but desperate times call for desperate measures.  I’m in college pre-algebra so I’m sure he’ll give me some crap over it, but you have to start somewhere.  I hope that I can make it through this class and I don’t fail – I don’t have an extra $600 laying around to pay for it either!

I know I only write this for myself because I don’t publish these to my social media accounts, but it is therapeutic when I get around to it.  I have so many hopes and dreams depending on my education.  I want to move to the South and get away from here for a while.  I want to live on my own and see where life takes me.  I know I will probably end back up right here but I want to look back on life and say that I lived.  I don’t want to look back and think “I should’ve done that when I was able.”